


Lust of Honey and Liquor

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animagus, Bottom Severus Snape, Eventual Romance, Good Lucius Malfoy, Good Severus Snape, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, References to Depression, Secret Relationship, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt, Top Lucius Malfoy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:28:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21745291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Lucius Malfoy has a bit of a problem on his hands. He has been in love with his life long friend since forever. The problem? He is already married to his childhood fiancée Narcissa Black. The other problem? He's in love with another man and it is Professor Severus Snape. Just how much is Lucius willing to risk for a chance at happiness in a homophobic society?
Relationships: Lucius Malfoy/Severus Snape
Comments: 47
Kudos: 84





	1. The Difference Between Mermaids and Sirens

He did not often invite Severus Snape over to the Manor for high tea. But it was Sunday, Draco was at Hogwarts, Narcissa out in Diagon Alley doing some shopping with her friends, and Lucius was feeling particularly lonely today. 

Not that he let his friend notice his forlornness, after all, a proper Malfoy does not show any emotion besides pride. 

He knew inviting him over would end badly. It always did. The tea itself was wonderful, they chatted politely and he asked how Draco was doing in school and stuff like that. The problems came after Severus left to go back to Hogwarts. Lucius was alone again, watching as Severus left the Manor from the window of his office, heart twisting once he apparated away. 

Was it awful to be in love with someone who is not your wife? Is it truly despicable to be thinking of someone else when kissing her, and wanting so much more that she could ever offer him? Or was it okay, seeing as it had been an arranged marriage, and love was never in the equation for them in the first place? 

Was it better to live a lie, and have his dignity and pride remain intact, or to live the way he so desperately wanted, and be ridiculed and shamed? Such was the questions of his life, the question he had been asking himself ever since he hit puberty at twelve years old and found out he would much rather be kissing boys than girls. Lucius Malfoy didn’t know the answers, and frankly, he was afraid to find out. 

But if there was one thing that Lucius was sure of, was that he had fallen deeply, irrevocably, and helplessly in love with Severus Snape. He had liked him ever since he saw him, but it wasn’t until Severus turned thirteen did that friendship developed into something . . .more. He had been around 16 at the time he realized it. He had never had the thought to act on it, Lucius was many things, but a pervert wasn’t one of them. He would have waited until Severus had turned the legal age before actually doing anything, but unfortunately a life with Severus has always been an impossibility for him, and always would be. 

It was something that haunted his thoughts each and every day. He tried to imagine what life would have been like with Severus, but his mind kept drawing up blanks. Severus was his siren, and Lucius was surely going to drown in his own love. 

Not many people knew the difference between mermaids and sirens. Both were thought to be born of the same myth, half fish, half woman, luring sailors with their enchanting voices and beauty, but where as mermaids would mingle with the sailors and bear them children, the sirens would cause their ships to crash against rocks and drown them under the waves to feast on their body. Believe it or not, originally they were two completely separate creatures. 

There was originally three sirens, and true, they caused ships to crash and people to die against the rocks of their beautiful flowery island home, but they did not dwell in the sea. They were formally the handmaidens of Persephone, and when she stayed in the Underworld to marry Hades, the god of death, her mother Demeter transformed the handmaidens bodies to that of birds, to assist her with her search of her precious daughter. 

After many months, they abandoned the search, and settled on Anthemoessa. Demeter, however was furious they had given up, cursed them to remain in their half bird forms for all eternity. It was only until they encountered Odysseus’ ship, who passed by unharmed by their song with the help of Circe, did they perish themselves. Circe told the sailors to stuff their ears with wax as to not hear their voice. But Odyesseus, wanting to hear their song, had his crew tie him to the mast of the ship. Getting so distressed that a man was able to hear their melody and still escape, the Sirens themselves into the sea and drowned. 

Narcissa Malfoy, however, was a mermaid. Beautiful, enchanting, and safe, bearing him a son to inherit the Malfoy title and fortune. But Severus Snape was birdlike, dark, intoxicating, someone Lucius would gladly throw his life away for just to hear him sing, and to touch his body. 

Severus was just someone he could never have, no matter how much he wanted it. Even if he did have the courage to tell the Professor how much he truly loved him, it would end badly. And Lucius was not about to risk the man's friendship with him by admitting his feelings, because that would mean he would lose him forever. Because why would Severus ever want to be around a useless fag like him? 

He was horrible, disgusting, unnatural cretin, unworthy of anyone’s time and desire. Narcissa had made that clear when he found out she had been cheating on him with other men. Not once in their entire marriage did Lucius be with anyone but her. And this was the thanks he got? For denying himself the one person he truly wanted, and what was it for? Lucius clamped a hand over his mouth, willing himself to stay calm, reminding himself that it wasn’t true, he wasn’t a fag, and that he loved Narcissa. That had to be the truth for his life, because if it wasn’t, Lucius didn’t know what he would do. 

He got up from his chair, shoving his book on Greek mythology aside, and paced around his study. Plush blue carpet warmed his bare feet, and gold painted walls with silk curtains surrounded him, reminding him that he would have never inherited the Malfoy fortune had he refused to marry Narcissa. And the fact he was still breathing reminded him of the fact that he was not a homo, because his father would have rathered a dead son, than a faggot. 

He bit hard down on his knuckles resisting the urge to scream, not stopping until he tasted the coper tang of blood in his mouth. Sucking in a deep breath to steady himself, he withdrew his hand, arm hanging limply by his side. He needed a drink. Or four. Or ten. He went back to his desk, and opened the bottom drawer where he always kept a bottle of Piedmont ready with a wine glass. 

It was only until the world around him was a pleasant buzz, and a warm tingly sensation spread throughout his entire body, did he allow himself to let a few tears escape his silver grey eyes. Not too many to cause the telltale red rimmed look that told others he had been crying, but enough to let the pain in his chest loosen, if only a little bit. 

Deciding he wasn’t done torturing himself, at least not yet anyway, his traitorous hand reached downwards, and unclasped the button on his trousers. He hesitated, not having done this for a few months now, and released his painfully hard member from the confines of his pants, and gripped it tightly. He didn’t deserve to do this, but Lucius was afraid he would reach a situation in his trousers if he did not find some form of release. 

He closed his eyes, mouth opening a bit as he let out a soft sigh, and feeling truly horrible, thought of Severus. 

The touch of Severus’ hand, soft against his own. 

The shape of his body, the slight curl of his lips. 

_“I’ll see you later, Lucius. Thank you for the tea,” Severus touched his arm lightly, his murky eyes glinting and a soft smile on his face. “It was lovely.”_

It was over embarrassingly fast. Lucius gritted his teeth, restraining the cry he so desperately wanted to make, and slouched back against his chair, out of breath, and panting hard. He felt disgusted himself, what would his father say? A Malfoy does not debase himself to such primal actions. They were beneath him. 

Yet he seemed to be doing everything that his father would disapprove of. Abraxas would tell him to rein his wife in, teach her true place with a good beating, instead of letting her roam about Britain sleeping in howevers bed she wanted. But he knew he had no right to make Narcissa stay with him. Lucius hadn’t touched her since the night they conceived Draco, hadn’t even kissed her while he fucked her. He thought it would be traitorous to do so, it would be a crime against Severus. Even though it really wasn’t, because Severus had never been his. He had always been Lily Evans’. 

Oh how he _hates_ that bitch, even after her death, for stealing Severus’ affections, even though they had never belonged to Lucius at any point in his life. It was ridiculous, the way he felt, and he knew it. 

But he couldn’t seem to stop himself from feeling this way. He tried to, many times over. He had spent countless galleons trying to find a cure for his unnatural desires, but ultimately turned up nothing. There were a few mind healers that specialized with his situation in the muggle world he considered going to, but he had always chickened out at the last minute. 

Being what he was wasn’t accepted my most of the world, Wizarding and Muggle alike. It was considered a sin, sodomy, a horrible fucking crime to commit. He squeezed his eyes shut, vanishing the sticky mess he had made with a flick of his wand. Merlin, he was so disgusting. Why couldn’t he have just been born normal? 

He hadn’t realized he was crying until he found he couldn’t breathe properly. Panic bubbled up in his chest, and he clamped his teeth around his knuckles to ground himself. He felt as if he was floating away from his body, and would slip forever in the darkness, and no one would come looking for him. He sat there for a long time, shaking, crying, and terribly ashamed with himself for being so weak. 

But he would never stop visiting with Severus, even though he knew this would almost always be the outcome. He loved him too much, and if this was what he had to deal with for spending a bit of time with the man, then so be it. 

It would be okay. Everything would work out. It had to, because if it didn’t, and this was his life, Lucius was sure he didn’t want it. 

. . . 

When Severus Snape returned to Hogwarts later that day, he could tell that something was off with his friend. He didn’t know what it was, but there was something in Lucius’ eyes that made his heart wrench for him. It didn’t take an expert to know that Lucius Malfoy was unhappy with his lot in life. But then again, was anyone? Severus knew he sure wasn’t, but what can he do but move forward? 

Severus wished for a lot of things to be different. He wished he wasn’t so ugly, he wished he could rack up enough motivation to take better care of himself. He wished he had someone that would stand by his side and love him no matter what, who would love him if he forgot to brush his teeth, or didn’t have the strength to bathe regularly, and even if he couldn’t stomach eating food. 

He knew that this wasn’t how normal people functioned. Normal people brushed their teeth twice a daw, took showers, and never skipped meals. He didn’t understand what was wrong with him. Sometimes it just all became too much for him to bear, and he would lie in bed in a dark room, with the weight of the world pressing him down. The only person who understood this was Lily Evans. And he had lost her, due to his own actions. 

He gripped the roots of his greasy hair in mild frustration and sank slowly at his desk, staring at the mounds of parchment in need of marking. He had been neglecting it for a few weeks now, and he could tell the students were wanting their essays back. Not that they’d ever ask him for them, but he could hear them whispering to their friends, eyes bright and expectant for the papers he hadn’t even looked over yet. 

Severys eyed them, vaguely wondering if they could wait a few more days. He needed to wash his hair, he hadn’t done that in almost a week now. But he remained in his chair, desperately wanting to make himself get up, walk down to his apartment, and turn on the faucet and fill the bath up. But he didn’t. So he sat there, wishing he could just go do what needed to be done, and hating himself for not doing it. It was a vicious cycle, one that Severus couldn’t break free from. And he had tried. Merlin, he had tried. 

He knew what needed to be done if he wanted to get himself moving again. To get himself focusing on something else other than his problems. It was in no way a healthy coping mechanism, but he had to do _something._ Else he’d stay rooted here, dirty, greasy, and feeling just generally sticky. He hated feeling so gross. 

So with great reluctance, he did the thing he swore he would never do again. And if a bit of blood dripped on the floor as he walked down to the dungeons, it wasn’t noticed. And if the corners of his sleeves were stained red, the black fabric covered it. And once he finally slipped into the bath, the cuts stung, reminding him of his eternal prison he was trapped in. 

As he sat in the hot, bubly, water, he thought that perhaps he would find someone if he took better care in his appearance. Perhaps if he used beauty potions and glamors to create a flush to his skin instead of the milky white paleness he usually wore, someone might find him attractive. 

But there was another problem to be considered. That someone had to be a man. And where on earth was Severus going to find a man who knew of the wizarding world, and accepted him for all his flaws and ugliness? His lot in life, he decided, was particularly intent on fucking him over. 

Summoning a cigarette, he sank slowly in the tub, and sucked deeply on the end of it, blowing out clouds of grey smoke. There was one person he knew of besides Lily that accepted him for his imperfections. Unfortunately, that person was very straight, and very married with a kid. 

So, Severus had accepted a long time ago, that there was no one out there for him. And you know what? He didn’t particularly care anymore. It’s not like he’s going to live until he’s old and grey. He’s a little surprised that he’d made it this far. If it isn’t lung cancer that’s going to get him, alcohol would. And even if that fails too, well, he’d have to find something else. He’s not completely ready to die, not yet at least. He didn’t think he was suicidal, it was more like if he was standing on the road and there was a truck coming at him, he didn’t think he would move away. 

When the time came for him to sink blissfully into oblivion, he would great death like an old friend.


	2. The Fine Art of Bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A party at Malfoy Manor leads to some revelations and past memories

Dinner parties at Malfoy Manor, were the most extravagant, most glamorous, and most posh event, that anyone who was anybody wanted to attend to. It was by invitation only, and those invites usually went out to the most well-to-do families, people of great importance, and those with excellent social standing. 

There would be music playing, fine food and wine, good conversation, and filthy rich people trying to outdo each other. The women would wear their best jewelry, and the men, their most finest clothes. 

During these occasions, Lucius Malfoy could often be seen dressed to impress, with a blindingly white smile, flaunting a gorgeous wife by his side, and showing off his son in hopes of arranging a successful marriage or business opportunities for him in the future. After all, Draco was nearly sixteen years old, and Lucius would have only the best of what life had to offer for his son. 

So it would make sense that Lucius Malfoy’s birthday party would be even more ostentatious. 

Gorgeously wrapped presents sat on an equally gorgeous table in the front entrance of the Manor. There were coloured orbs floating around the ceiling, and streamers hung from every pillar, and banister, while jazz music was playing faintly in the background. 

Lucius was also dressed in finery. He was wearing a black long sleeved coat, with intricate gold designs arranged on the cuff and around his waist. It was a high collared, and golden bars held the fabric together at the nape of the neck. His hair was done in a low ponytail that hung down to his mid back, and Narcissa was looking beautiful as ever, as she hung on to his arm. 

“Smile, dear.” She hissed through clenched teeth. “It’s your thirty-eighth birthday, after all.” 

“I am, my love.” He grimaced. 

He could feel Narcissa burn with anger. She took her arm away from his, as if disgusted by the mere touch of his skin. “I’m getting a drink.” She said, still smiling, though it was more of a bear of her teeth than anything. 

And so Lucius was left to entertain his guests alone. 

“Why Mr. Malfoy, is that your boy Draco? Oh, how he’s grown into a handsome young man!” 

“You must be very happy, Lucius. With a wife like yours I’d never want for anything more!” 

“My, your manor is simply stunning! Have you redone the banisters since the last time you hosted a party?” 

Of course, Lucius is a good host, and would respond to these inquiries and statements with politeness and charm, often dazzling his guests with a perfect smile and a wave of his hand. To anyone else, it looked like he was having a grand time, twirling this way and that with Narcissa on the dance floor, tasting scrumptious food and sipping fine wine. Make no mistake, it was all a game in his eyes. A charade, a pretense of wealth and happiness. 

He had long since mastered the subtle and refined art of bullshitting people. 

He was unfortunately too observant not to notice how people turned their noses up at him when he wasn’t looking, how women whispered in each others ears most likely talking about the rumours of him being a poofer. They had plagued him since his school days, and no matter what he did, who he married, they simply wouldn’t go away. 

Lucius had once thought it had been the hair that did it, that kept those rumours circulating. So he had cut it shortly after marrying Narcissa, and that simply caused even more speculations. After that whole ordeal, he had let it grow out back to its normal length, just a few inches below his shoulders. 

It seemed no matter what he did, they found some other way to peg his sexuality on him. It was mildly frustrating and very inconvenient, but as the vultures had no proof whatsoever, nothing was done. 

Still, it left him unsettled when he overheard a conversation between two young women, who were giggling with each other having a discussion as to whether he was a ‘top’ or a ‘bottom.’ He might be a little out of touch with the slang words asscociated with homosexuality, but it didn’t take a genious to figure out what they were meaning. 

Merlin, was it that obvious? Sure, they could laugh and giggle to themselves all they wanted, but if those rumours turned out to be true, those shocked little coughs would turn into cries of disgust very quickly. 

A movement in the shadows of the room caught his attention. He saw the familiar pale thin face, hooked nose, and wide dark eyes. Severus had come tonight after all. It seemed as if he was doing his best to ignore those around him, and disappear completely in the darkness. He looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here. 

Narcissa had nearly ripped him to shreds when she saw him inviting Severus to the party. 

_“Why would you want to invite that filthy disgusting half-blood?”_

_‘Because I can’t live without him. I know what you are planning to do later tonight, and I need his company.’_

That’s what Lucius had wanted to say to his wife. But he didn’t. He had merely shrugged, and told her that his friend had invented countless of spells and potions over the years, and had been the talk in more than a few newspapers. It was smart to invite him, it was smart to keep someone to gifted and talented close. 

Their eyes met, and Lucius felt the familiar pang in his heart start up again. 

. . . 

Severus didn’t even know why he was even here in the first place. He had accepted Lucius’ invitation with the intent of speaking to his old friend and catching up with him, as he had not seen nor heard from him since high tea a few months ago. 

He watched Lucius go about and mingle with other guests, his wife hanging from his arm like a trophy, and couldn’t help the sneer on his face. Narcissa was perfect in every way. A thin curvy body, blush lips, and long lashes. 

Raising his glass of wine to his lips, he couldn’t help but wished he looked like that. How much easier his life would be if he was born a woman! Well, an attractive woman, at least. He could wear fine dresses, twirl about with a strong man, be married, have children, and find true happiness. 

It’s too bad his dick was the only thing stopping him from having those things. That, and his generally unpleasant demeanor and appearance. He rested his head against a fine marbled pillar, and slunk further into the shadows, not wanting to face the other guests. Every single family that belonged to the Sacred Twenty-Eight were here tonight. All beautiful, all purebloods, and all filthy rich. 

Severus was none of these things. So why did he so desperately want to be what he knew he wasn’t? He could feel a torrent of tears come on, and bit the inside of his cheek until he felt a gush of blood. He caught Lucius’ gaze, nodded at him, and fled from the room, wanting a quiet place to seclude himself until this was all over. He promised himself he would never again attend a party such as this. 

. . . 

A couple hours into the party, he could feel a bit of panic bubble in his chest. He excused himself from his conversation with Lysandre and Corban Yaxley, saying he was grabbing a cigar to smoke outside, and made his escape in a quiet section of the manor. 

He wandered the halls a bit, not really searching for anything in particular when a peculiar sound caught his attention. He stilled, freezing on the spot. Lucius strained his ears, trying to catch it again, and there it was. 

A woman’s moan of pleasure, followed by a deeper grunting. 

He tried his best to ignore it, but grew very uncomfortable with the idea of someone fucking in his own house, and followed the noise until it came to a spare bedroom. Without even knocking, he flung the door open, ready to yell at whoever was desecrating his home, but stopped short, the noise dying in his throat. 

There was a man sitting on the couch, with his back to Lucius. On top of him, was his wife Narcissa. She was naked, thrusting her hips downwards, moaning like a whore as she fucked him. Her eyes snapped to Lucius, and she raised an eyebrow, daring him to stop them. 

Bile rose in the back of his throat, and he quickly stepped out of the room, as quietly as he came in, and gently shut the door. It stung him, the actions of his wife. How little she had respect for him, and the house they share. For Merlin's sake, anyone could have walked in on them! His stomach turned at the thought of Draco witnessing what he just did, and he grabbed the roots of his hair, letting out a strangled sob. 

No. No he would not lose it here. 

He took a deep breath and rejoined his birthday party, with the intention of getting very drunk tonight. On the way, he noticed Severus, still hiding in the shadows, with a poorly wrapped gift in hand. His mood lifted, and he knew that whatever the gift may be, it would be his favourite. 

“Severus,” He called, smiling. “There you are, I was wondering where you went.” 

His dark eyes widened slightly, and flickered from Lucius to the gift in hand. He turned a bit red, and hid his face behind his long black hair. 

“Hello,” He murmured, shuffling his feet slightly. “I would have went up to you, but I’m afraid the crowds were-” 

Lucius cut him short, wrapping his arms around the younger man. He felt Severus stiffen with surprise, before gradually leaning into his embrace. “It’s good to see you, Sev, real good.” Oh he knew he would pay for hugging Severus later, but for now, all he cared about was getting close to him. 

“Er, yeah. You too.” Severus tried for a soft smile, fiddling with the hem of his sleeve. 

It looked like he actually tried to put work in his appearance tonight. He was wearing a black robe, that looked relatively new, with silver trim and belt. It was simple, yet refined, and suited Severus well. It was also significantly more low cut than the high necked robes he usually wore, and Lucius found his gaze lingering on Severus’ collarbone. A hint of black ink could be found just hiding out of sight, and with a jolt, Lucius recognized it to be a tattoo. 

Clearing his throat, he forced his eyes away, and focused on the wallpaper behind the potions professor. He didn’t realize Severus was holding out the lumpy package for him, until the paper grazed his knuckles. Snapping back to reality, he flashed Severus a winning smile. 

“This for me?” He asked. 

His eyes glinted. “It is your birthday, Lucius. Who else would it be?” 

Lucius laughed, stroking the package lightly, before fixing Severus with an arched eyebrow. “May I open it now?” 

Severus gave him one of his rare snickers, and Lucius felt his heart flutter madly. “You can do whatever you want.” He snorted, and Lucius tore into it right away. He lifted a simple stone necklace with leather ties out of a soft velvet bag. His eyes widened slightly, recognizing what it was. He glanced at Severus, breath hitching, and flipped the smooth labradorite stone over, seeing the inscription on the back. H.B.P 

“Is this. . .?” He trailed off, fingers grazing the stone gently. 

“Trying to think of a gift for a man who has everything is quite hard. So I figured something sentimental over riches would please you more. I know we don’t see each other often,” Severus said gently. “So I thought I’d give you a part of me to hold on to.” 

“But this is your stone of protection, Severus. I can’t take this, I’d feel guilty.” he held it out for Severus to take it, but the man shook his head. 

“No, Lucius, I want you to have it. I wouldn’t have given it away if I couldn’t live without it.” Severus clasped his shoulder. “I wanted to give you your gift before I left. I hope you don’t mind me going home early. . .um. . .I have a tendency to stress out around people.” 

Lucius nodded, smiling. “Of course Sev. Thank you for coming.” 

“Happy Birthday, Lucius.” He murmured, before slinking back to the front entrance, and opening the door. 

Lucius watched him disappear into the night, and sauntered over to the bar, idly picking up a glass of firewhisky, before downing it in one gulp. He tied the necklace around his neck, and he swore he almost caught the intoxicating scent of Severus’ cologne. 

That caused a fresh wave of sadness to overwhelm him. He went to reach for another drink, but caught the concerned eye of his son over the sea of sparkling gems and fine coats. He held Draco’s gaze for a moment, arching his brows in a silent question before tipping it back. The young man simply shook his head, before returning to a conversation with a pretty lady. Who he recognized to be Astoria Greengrass. 

His lip slightly curled at the sight of her. He personally thought Draco could do better. He quickly chastised himself for that thought, realizing that he was doing the same thing to his son that his father had done to him. 

Lucius was far from a perfect father. He drank too much, and had a habit of falling asleep in his office on the couch, not wanting to face his wife and share her bed after a long day. He loved his son, there doubt about that, but he didn’t know how to connect with him. 

His fingers tightened around his cane, going for a third glass. Lucius would never admit it to anyone, but he didn’t know how to be a good dad. Abraxas would do such horrible things to him as a boy, he didn’t want to risk being the same way to Draco, so as a solution he simply resigned himself to. . .ignoring him. Not the right answer to his problems, but an answer nonetheless. 

After his seventh, he saw Draco making his way over to him. He sighed, feeling his eye twitch in annoyance, as his son grasped the empty glass in his hand and set it down on the bar top with a _clank._

“Father, I think that’s enough.” He said cooly. “People are beginning to talk.” 

“They’re always talking. It’s getting them to shut the fuck up that’s the problem.” Lucius slightly slurred and closed his eyes. “Damn that stuff was strong.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping to stop the swaying of the room. 

“Salazar,” Draco swore. “How many have you had?” He grabbed his father’s arm, and went to lead him away from the crowd. 

Lucius simply shrugged, and rubbed his eyes. “I’m fine, little snake, I’m not completely inebriated that I cannot stand on my own two feet.” He went to push Draco away, but missed, succeeding in only nearly toppling over. Draco’s grasp tightened and after the second attempt to dislodging him, he had given up, and allowed Draco to bring him into a quiet hallway in the manor. 

Once he had been released, Lucius leaned up against the wall, relishing the cool feel of the marble. He never normally got this intoxicated at his own parties, but there was a first for everything. He saw Draco’s utter disgust, and couldn’t help but snort with amusement. 

“I know I am a drunkard, little snake. You do not need to look so revolted. But then again, it seems no matter what I want to do in life, everyone is quite appalled by it.” Lucius let out an airy laugh, and slunk down to the floor. “Fuck,” he swore. “No matter what I do. . .it’s never good enough for you people.” he sneered. 

“Father, what are you even talking about?” Draco knelt by his side, placing a hand on his knee. “I am not disgusted by you personally, it’s merely your actions that has caused my resentment tonight. You drink too much, dad. You always have, why is that?” 

Lucius ignored him, and muttered to himself. “I married who I should, I have a son that will one day inherit everything I own, what more do they _want?_ I have sacrificed my own happiness to behave as I should, but it’s proving impossible the older I get.” His chest tightened, and the air was swept out of his lungs. He reached out, trying to get a hold of something, feeling a wave of panic crush down on him. 

He felt a strong hand wrapped around his own, and he squeezed it tightly. 

“Relax,” Draco whispered. “Just relax.” 

This wasn’t the first time he had a fit in Draco’s presence. He had rather hoped that the last time would be the end of him embarrassing himself in front of his own son, but Lady Magic wasn’t that good to him. Fits like these. . .he could only describe them as needing to sneeze. It would only stop bugging him if he let it all out, but it was annoying, and Lucius didn’t like the attention they brought. 

It ended only half a minute later, but to Lucius it felt like an eternity. He tried to get a hold of himself, but was failing miserably. Finally, he resigned himself to slumping against the wall, resting his head on the stone. He looked at his son, who was staring at him with concern, and quirked a wry smile. 

“You wouldn’t mind helping me to my study, would you?” 

Draco nodded, hauling himself and his father to his feet. “Of course,” He supported Lucius’ weight against his shoulder. “I’ll simply tell the guests you had gotten a migraine, and needed to lie down for a bit.” 

Once they had gotten there, Lucius collapsed on the couch, and allowed his son to pull a blanket up over him. His eyes nearly closed, relishing the warmth and comfort the fabric brought. Draco sat next to him, and put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Do you want me to sit with you, father?” 

Lucius sighed, slurring. “Maybe. . .for a bit.” 

Draco nodded again. “Alright.” 

Perhaps it was the alcohol coursing through his veins, addling his brain. Or perhaps he was simply done pretending, and needed someone to talk to. Or maybe he had lost all sense of sanity, and simply decided to fuck it. Lucius parted his lips, and whispered into the darkness. 

“Would you hate me if I was a fag, Draco? Would you be so disgusted with me you would leave?” 

“No. I want you to be happy, again, dad. You haven't been for a long time.” 

He was slowly slipping into unconsciousness, but caught the faint words that seemed to be coming from far away. Lucius swore he was dreaming, because it was simply too good to be true, and simply faded away into the darkness, feeling his eyes shut as sleep overtook him. 

. . . 

Draco left as soon as he was sure his dad was asleep. He quietly shut the door after leaving a hangover potion on the desk, and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He highly doubted his father would remember their conversation on the couch. After all, they had many conversations such as this one, and he hadn’t remembered afterwards. 

He supposed it was a blessing, and a curse. Lucius would drunkenly tell him that he was gay, and beg Draco not to be disgusted by him. Draco said he wasn’t, and that he wanted him to be happy, and Lucius was content for a little. Until he woke up, not remembering their discussion, and fall into a deep pit of loneliness and despair. 

Despite his less than amazing grades at Hogwarts, Draco wasn’t stupid. He knew his parents practically hated each other, but put up a pretense for his sake. Sometimes he wished they wouldn’t. He generally disliked his mother for what she put father through on a daily basis. It was funny, people would make fun of Lucius if he ever said he was in an abusive relationship, but that was the only word Draco knew that described his mother's actions. 

She would constantly snipe at him, mocked him, and belittle him. But his father never did anything about it. He would simply stand there, not saying a word until Narcissa grew bored and left. Draco hated that his mother was so cruel, but he knew it wasn’t completely her fault. 

She had loved Lucius at one point. But after it was made clear he didn’t return her affections, she had been heartbroken, seeking solace with her sister Bellatrix for months on end. It was no excuse, however, and this feud she had against him and long since past the point of pettiness and heartbreak. 

Draco remembered a few years ago, during summer break, he had been listening to them arguing. He was supposed to be in bed, but his mothers yelling had woken him up. So he hid on the stairs, watching their parents fight in the parlor. Lucius’ facade never broke, until Narcissa yelled that he was a horrible nasty fag, and that she was dissapointed that Abraxas wasn’t able to beat the disease out of him. 

That was the first time Draco heard his father cry. Once the tears came she ridiculed him, mocked him, calling him a pussy until she had properly vented her anger, and stormed up the stairs. Draco didn’t have time to hide, and once Narcissa had realized that he had overheard their conversation, she looked ashamed. She didn’t say anything, but simply retired to her bedroom with a pale face. 

He had crept downstairs, where father was sitting on the couch, head in his hands, shoulders shaking. That was also the first time he had one of his fits. Draco had been terrified, unsure of what to do until a house elf named Binky had popped up and told Draco what to do. 

He knew his father wasn’t as strong as he liked to pretend to be. He had a kind heart, and an easygoing personality that made him likeable to be around. But it had been ingrained into Lucius at a young age that kindness was weakness, and should be repressed. Draco was never told what horrors Abraxas put his father through, but he knew that Lucius’ back resembled a piece of sliced butchering meat. He had walked in on him changing once, and had a pillow flung at him, and Lucius yelled at him to get out. 

Draco rubbed his face, getting lost in memories. It was hard for him, being the source of strength in his father's life, when it should be the other way around. But he loved his dad, and knew he would do anything to keep him safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay! I've been super busy the last few days. Let me tell you, I have most of this story mentally prepared already, it's just getting from point A to B is what's proving to be difficult.
> 
> Cool fact, though, Lucius Malfoy is actual six years older than Severus! So according to the time line, he would have been turning 41, not 38. Though I felt it was a bit of an age gap, because I wanted them to attend Hogwarts together for a few years, and making a realistic friendship. Because no 16 year old, would befriend an 11 year old if they didn't have to LOL


	3. In Which a Pink Toad Meets a Rather Unpleasant Snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also known as the segue chapter, Lucius finds out Narcissa is going to be away for a few days, and Hogwarts receives a rather unpleasant visitor

Lucius had been avoiding writing to his son ever since he drunkenly admitted he was gay. Draco still hadn’t said anything more to him about it, but that could mean anything. He was glad that he had the sense to not send a letter home detailing their conversation and peppering him with questions, but it also made him even more anxious, knowing he’d have to wait until the next time he saw him, or when Draco came home for the summer months. His leg bounced nervously under the dining room table, as he spooned some beef and carrot stew into his bowel. 

“I’m going to France to visit an old friend of mine, dear.” Narcissa spoke, dabbing at her mouth with her napkin from the other end of the table. “I might be gone for a few days, I sincerely hope that’s no issue with you.” 

They both knew she was lying, but Lucius found himself shaking his head. “Of course not, honey. I hope you have a fun time.” He set his spoon down, having lost his appetite. He grasped the stone around his neck, wondering if he should invite Severus over for dinner while Narcissa was away. The record time she’s been gone for, was six months. He knew he could be spending from a few days to a few weeks alone in the manor, and it was never a good thing to be in solitude for that long. 

“Lucius, where did you get that necklace from? You haven't taken it off since your birthday party a few weeks ago.” She asked, tipping her head curiously. 

“It was a present.” Lucius said simply. “I’m rather fond of it. 

“Who was it from?” 

Lucius smiled. “Severus.” 

A loud shattering sound caused him to flinch a little. He heard Narcissa swear, before calling a house elf to clean up the class from her cup off of the floor. She huffed a little, before smoothing her skirt down. 

“You seem to really like the little mudblood.” 

“Do not,” Lucius’ voice was dangerously low. “Call him that in my presence, ever again.” 

Narcissa bit her tongue. “Will you invite him over while I’m away?” 

“I’d like to know why that’s any of your business.” Lucius said flatly. “You invite people over all the time and never think to tell me. I’m surprised someone's not skulking around in our bedroom right now.” 

A short humourless laugh came from his wife.“I wouldn’t _have_ to invite people if you would just-” Narcissa broke off, face red with anger. “Why you have so little interest in me, is beyond my knowledge.” 

“I don’t make a habit of fucking pigs.” Lucius regretted the words as soon as they were out. Narcissa had picked up a butter knife from the table and flung it at him in rage. He flinched as it grazed past his cheek, and he clamped a hand over the cut. Lucius stared at her with utter disgust. Her chest was heaving, breasts rising up and down, and a cold fury burned behind her eyes. 

“At least I enjoy the company of the other sex. Unlike you.” 

Lucius grew very quiet. “Who says I don’t like women? Maybe I just don’t fancy fucking _you._ Ever thought about that my sweet?” 

Her chair screeched as she stood up from the table. She didn’t say a word as she stalked away, only grabbing a fistful of his hair and yanking it as hard as she could as she left. “Fucking fairy.” She hissed under her breath. 

Once she was out of sight, Lucius pressed his napkin to his face. He would have to stop eating meals with her, this was just getting completely out of hand. He rubbed his head sorely, and wandered up to his study. 

After shutting and locking the door, he opened the liquor cabinet, and pulled out a large bottle of wine. He didn’t even bother with the glass, just drank it straight from the bottle. 

. . . 

Severus scowled as the woman in pink tapped down the hall, kitten pump heels clicking against the polished floors, and took her place at the head table. Ms. Dolores Umbridge was the absolute bane of his entire existence. He didn’t even understand why she was here in the first place, the Hogwarts curriculum was completely _fine._

Nevertheless, the ministry has sent one of its top dogs to sniff around the school, hoping to get some sort of inkling of evidence that Dumbledore wasn’t fit to be headmaster. The reason for this infiltration sickened him, there had been rumours circulating around Britain that Albus was gay, and that had caused a disturbance in the wizarding world. 

And Dumbledore wasn’t doing anything about it. Any fool can take one look at him and discern that he had a certain flair about him. Merlin, the old coot wears heeled boots on a daily basis! Severus knew he was just stereotyping the Headmaster at this point, but so was everyone else. 

As long as Severus kept his head down, his own sexuality would never be questioned. For once in his life he was actually glad he was ugly. His appearance often caused people to not look too closely at him, meaning he was safe from the ministry bloodhounds, at least for now. 

They would leave soon enough anyways. Any time the ministry got their robes rumpled, they respond in the most dramatic way, often leading it to fizzle out in a few months time. All Severus had to do was be patient. But it was hard not to shoot the most foulest of hexes in her direction as she appraised him during class time. 

Perhaps if he slipped a poison in her drink. . . 

A hand lightly touched his arm, drawing him out of his brooding. His eyes snapped up to Minerva, who was looking at him with an arched brow. 

“What.” He said shortly. 

Her mouth twitched, and pressed together in a fine line.“Are you not going to eat anything, Severus? If you’re unwell, perhaps a visit to Poppy would help.” He gestured to his empty plate, and Severus scowled even more. 

He reluctantly scooped some roasted potatoes on his plate, and stabbed at them with his work, cutting them into small pieces. Perhaps if he made them small enough, she wouldn’t question why he didn’t eat them. 

She simply stared at him sternly, until Severus lifted a small piece to his mouth, vanishing it as soon as it was in. He pretended to chew for a moment, then swallow, and repeated this process until his plate was cleared. 

Minerva looked skeptic, but she didn’t say anything as Severus excused himself from the table. His stomach twisted in hunger, he hadn’t eaten in a few days, but he refused to fill himself with food. He had no idea why he was like this, but he felt guilty after every time he ate. For what, he wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was all the years his parents withheld food from him, and made it seem like a huge sacrifice every time they gave him a piece of stale bread, or a few carrots here and there. 

And if there was one thing Severus hated to be, it was a being a bother. 

His next class was in twenty minutes, so he had some time to snag some coffee from the staff room, before heading down to the potions lab. He had been a caffeine addict since his first year teaching at Hogwarts, and realized it was a pleasant way to take the edge off of his rumbling stomach. 

He downed the coffee in a few gulps, after stirring copious amounts of sugar into it, and nearly gagged at how sickenly sweet it was. He forced himself to drink the rest, and entered the class with his usual sour face. Once the students started rolling in, he was disheartened to see Ms. Umbridge standing in the back. 

He deeply sighed, and reluctantly began his lesson. 

“We will be brewing the simple yet refined Draught of Peace to help Madame Pompfrey replenish her stock in the medical wing-” 

_“Ah-hem.”_ The unnaturally high cough sounded from the back, and he closed his eyes, forcing himself to count to ten before answering the pink toad. 

“Yes, Dolores?” He gripped the sides of the desk until his knuckles turned white. “Would you like to say something before we continue?” 

She smiled, and folded her hands. “Why yes, Severus. Just a few quick questions before you start your class-” 

“Why you choose to interrupt my lesson when you could have talked to me before we started is beyond me.” he snapped, ignoring the muffled amused coughs from the students. With one glare, they quieted, and went back to taking notes from the board. 

Her polite expression never faltered, but he could see the storm brewing behind her eyes. “I didn’t get the chance too. You fled from the hall quite quickly after lunch.” She paused, a wry smile gracing her face. “I have some questions about that as well.” 

Severus considerably paled, and he dug his nails into the palm of his hands. “I have a free period after this class is over,” he whispered. “If you can wait a little longer, that would be best.” 

If he hadn’t had the attention of the students, he had it now. They watched, from the corner of their eyes, all the while pretending they were not intending to eavesdrop. Not that it would be considering eavesdropping, they were, after all, right there. 

“Yes of course.” She waved a hand, before taking a seat in one of the back benches. “Don’t mind me, I’ll just be waiting right here.” 

Praise be to Salazar, the students were not the complete dunderheaded idiots they normally were. The class worked quietly and efficiently, and once the sixty minutes were up, most placed their samples on their desk and left the room to go to their next class. A few lingered for a couple minutes more, quickly cleaning their station up or stirring their potion a few more times before giving them to Severus for marking. 

Once they were alone, Dolores stood up, and walked to the front and summoned a quill and notebook, taking her time to dip it in an ink well before scrambling something down on the parchment. “Let’s start with a few simple questions, Severus. For starters. . .how old are you?” 

He pursed his lips. “Thirty-five.” 

More scribbling. She glanced up. “And when and where were you born?” 

He sucked in a deep breath to calm himself. “January ninth, nineteen-sixty. In Cairo, Egypt.” 

“Egypt?” She paused. “Is that where your family is originally from then?” 

“Is that one of the questions?” His fingers trembled, and he was wanting a cigarette. 

Dolores smiled again. “I asked it, hadn’t I?” 

“Then yes,” he spat. “My family is Egyptian.” 

The sound of the quill on parchment was beginning to grate on his nerves. He sat down behind his desk, resisting the urge to smack his head against the solid wood to knock himself out. 

“Just a few more, then we’re done, I promise. How long have you known Albus Dumbledore?” 

Severus thought for a moment. “Since my first year at Hogwarts, practically my whole life, really. Why?” 

Dolores ignored him. “During the time you’ve known him, have you seen him take any partners?” 

Severus grew uncomfortable. Had he? Albus was a very private man, not often talking about what was going on in his life, and he seemed to be more interested in the lives of his students and colleagues. “No,” he admitted. “Even if he did, I wouldn’t know of them.” 

Her brows lifted somewhat. “What about you, Severus? Have you had any past or current relationships?” 

He glared at her with as much force as he could muster. “I fail to see why that’s any of your business, Dolores.” 

Her eyes grew wide and innocent. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, honey. Just wanting to tie up all the ends to the recent allegations that have been slandering the Headmaster. I need you to answer the question, have you had any past or current partners?” 

“No.” he seethed. “I am rather unpleasant to look at, so I haven't had the opportunity to meet anyone. No if you are done, I have much that needs to be attended to.” He stood up, grabbing his papers and books from his desk and turned to leave. 

Dolores Umbridge didn’t say anything, and Severus was very tempted to do away with her the next time they shared a meal. It would be so incredibly easy to slip something into her food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor babies :( I promise Narcissa will get her just end


	4. Drugs For The Soul

Lucius was tired of pretending. So very fucking tired. He casually leaned against the wall, watching Severus with heavy lidded eyes. He was drunk again, he knew that. But he highly doubted he would have the courage to do this is he wasn’t. 

“Severus,” He sighed, staggering forward, sitting in the space beside him with a huff. “I have something to tell you.” 

Something flashed in his onyx eyes. “What is it?” He asked softly. 

Lucius swallowed, and wiped the thin sheen of sweat off his forehead. “Severus. . .I . . .I think I am in love with you.” 

The professor froze, face twisting in disgust. He stood in rage, and jabbed a finger to Lucius’ chest. “You _what?_ You can't be serious, Lucius. For the love of Merlin, tell me this is just a twisted excuse for a joke.” 

A crushing feeling pressed down sharply on Lucius’ chest. “No,” he shook his head. “It’s not a joke, I really have feelings for you. If you’d let me explain, I-” 

“If you think I would stand for this type of behaviour, you would be sorely mistaken!” Severus snarled. “To think, I’ve been so blind to your horrible, disgusting nature.” His lips curled. “How embarrassing I wasn’t able to tell what a useless fag you are.” He drew his wand and aimed it at his trembling body. 

Lucius’ eyes widened, and took a few hasty steps back. “No, It’s not. . .It’s not really true, Severus, I-” He stammered, back pressed up against the wall. “Just-” He broke off as Severus wand dug into his neck. 

His gaze turned cold. “Don’t worry, Lucius. I’ll put you out of your misery, like the dog you are.” 

Lucius mouth opened, and closed. Finally finding his voice, he whimpered. “Severus, _please._ I’m. . .I’m your friend, you can’t do this to me!” 

Severus let out a bitter laugh. “Please,” He scoffed. “I don’t make a habit of being friends with the likes of you.” Just as he was about to utter the killing curse, the world completely _shifted_ around them. 

They were not in his study anymore. Lucius was alone, in the massive back garden behind the manor. He looked down, and saw his body had changed. It was soft, and more stubby. He ran his fingers through his hair, only to find it cut short. He saw his reflection in one of the large windows of the house, and saw a small boy looking back at him. 

“. . .Draco?” He asked, reaching out towards the boy. At the same time, the child reached out to him, and their fingers met against the glass. He drew back sharply, a gasp catching in the back of his throat. No. . .no this wasn’t possible. 

He staggered back, looking around him wildly. He saw a woman with pale brown hair that reached the ground kneeling in one of the gardens. She looked up at him with a smile, her alabaster grey eyes shimmering with warmth. 

“What’s the matter honey? Come sit with mama, sweet one, you can help me plant tulips.” 

“Mama,” He breathed, heart seizing. He had been so young the last time he saw her, dying in bed from Dragon Pox. He remembered her being so thin, skin stretching over bones, gaunt cheeks, mouth set in a frown. Lucius was five when she passed away. 

Abraxas had never been the same once she died. He had turned cold, his grief turning to hatred, and had a habit of taking it out on him. 

A shadow moved in the corner of his vision. The woman's smile faltered, eyes round and fearful. Lucius turned, only to see a twisted form of his father looking behind him. His mouth gaped open, sharp teeth sliced through his lips, cutting into his skin. His eyes were black, and his body was twisted and gangly. 

He smiled, and Lucius caught the stench of rot in his breath. “Useless fag,” He hissed, and Lucius felt his trousers grow warm and wet, and started to cry. 

Abraxas advanced, and right before his fingers wrapped around his throat, the world shifted one more. 

He was no longer a little boy. He stood, breath gasping, teary eyed in a shadowy hall. With a quick glance downwards, he saw that he was wearing the clothes he had been wearing the day he married Narcissa. 

He collapsed against a wall, trying to get a hold of himself. He wrung his hands together, wanting to get out of whatever type of hell he was placed in. He searched around for an exit, someway to escape, and saw movement out a window, near a massive willow tree. 

It didn’t take long to recognize what it was. 

Severus was hanging upside down in mid air, robes hanging around his head, exposing skinny long pale legs and old patched up grey underwear. His eyes were terrified, occasionally twitching, flinching as the crowd gathered around him, laughing and jeering at him. 

Lucius was running towards him before he even realized it. He saw Lily smile at something James Potter said, and absolute fury twist Severus’ face before he yelled something back at her. Her green eyes narrowed, lips moved, and Severus’ face paled. 

He hadn’t really been here the day Severus had lost Lily forever. He had already graduated Hogwarts at that point, and was marrying his wife the same day it happened. He wished he could have been there for his friend, and he would be damned if he let this go by without doing anything, even if it wasn’t real. 

As he passed Lily Evans, she had tears pricking the corners of her eyes, and her gaze met with Lucius. _“He doesn’t deserve you.”_ She whispered. 

Lucius snarled. “I think I will decide that myself!” He drew his wand, and aimed hex after hex at the assembled crowd. They dissolved into dust before his very eyes, and the ground creaked underneath him, opening up, swallowing him whole. 

He was falling faster and faster, into complete darkness. He felt his throat tear as he screamed, and hurtled towards the endless abyss of black that mawed beneath him. Just as he was about to get sucked into the void, his eyes blinked open and- 

Lucius let out a cracked sob, and sat straight up on the couch. His chest heaved, and his breath came in gasps as he looked around the room utterly terrified. His fingers clawed into the fabric of the couch arms, and he sat there for a long time, sweating and shaking. 

It took quite a while for Lucius to stop crying. 

When he had gotten a hold of himself, he swung his feet off the couch, and shakily stood up, wrapping the threadbare blanket he always had on the sofa around his shoulders. He wandered aimlessly through the dark quiet manor, not really searching for anything in particular. His nightmare had rattled him more than he cared to admit. 

He found his solace in one of the bay window seats that looked out to the gorgeous tulip gardens his mother had planted so many years ago. There was a full moon tonight, and it cast strange shadows on the estate grounds. 

Lucius sat there until dawn, watching the sun slowly rise over the horizon line. He was alone in the house, so he needn’t worry about dealing with Narcissa. She had left a few days ago, and he was blessedly free from her company for the foreseeable future. 

Once the sun was suitably up in the sky, there was a subtle pop of magic, and a plate of scrambled eggs, hash browns, and bacon appeared on his lap, with a cup of hot coffee on the side table beside him. He smiled, despite his sour mood. Once his mother had died, Binky had decidedly taken up that role for him. She was family to Lucius, and was one of the only creatures on earth than knew of his secret plight. 

The thought saddened him, and he focused his attention on the plate in front of him, rather than the depressing thoughts that gathered in the back of his mind. He ate slowly, the food tasting like paper and ashes in his mouth. He found he couldn’t enjoy the meal as he normally did, and found his thoughts keep drifting back to his dream. 

He highly doubted that Severus would react the way he did in his subconscious, but there was this constant ‘what if’ that kept nagging at him. Lucius didn’t want to risk losing him, he couldn’t. If that meant that he could never tell his friend how he felt, then so be it. He would rather live in silence, and be with his loved one at a distance, than live truthfully, and be without Severus’ company. 

This was his lot in life, and it would be easier if he just accepted it. He was craving something strong to drink to take his mind off of the heavy thoughts. He knew it was a tad early to be drinking at this hour, but he would wind up getting intoxicated at some point today, why not start with it right off the bat than deal with it later. 

. . . 

Severus sat quietly at the head table, not wanting to be there. He could hear the chatter among the students and faculty, it was all beginning to sound like one dull roar in his ears. He had made sure to apply the glamors to his wrist before he came up to share dinner with the school, but he couldn’t help but feel oddly panicked every time someone glanced at him for more than a couple seconds. It was risky to entertain his habit during the school day, he knew that. But for some strange reason, he couldn’t bury the feeling, and had found himself hiding in the storage room with a knife pressed to his skin. 

His fingers fiddled with the sleeve of his robe absentmindedly as he shakily raised some hearty vegetable stew to his lips. It was rich in flavour, and piping hot, it paired well on a chilly day like this one. It scalded the roof of his mouth and his tongue, but he forced himself to keep eating. He didn’t want to, but he knew he was likely to pass out if he kept starving himself, and he didn’t want the attention that it would surely bring. 

Minerva, as usual, scrutinized his every action with a watchful eye. He refrained to look at her, or to be unnerved by her hard stare. She was too smart for her own good, and Severus knew that if he wasn’t careful, his secret was bound to reveal itself. 

So instead, he focused his attention on Ms. Umbridge, who was peppering Dumbledore with all sorts of questions during the meal. His mouth twitched in a small smile, as Albus was telling her of his latest partner, a woman named Amanda Kettlewish. He had to bite his tongue to keep himself from laughing as the Headmaster described his ex lover. 

He really should give his mentor some tips on lying about relationships as he heard him describe her ‘very heavy and round breasts’ for the third time. Severus never would, of course. That would bring too many eyes on him, and he would rather avoid being the center of attention if he could help it. 

After he finished his meal, he stood up to return back to his quarters, but was stopped by the Transfiguration Professor. 

“Severus, if you could wait just one moment,” Minerva said, hand grabbing onto his wrist to keep him from leaving. Severus drew a sharp intake of breath once he felt her fingers press onto the cuts, and he drew his arm back as if she had burned him. 

Minerva just looked at him with a pinched worried expression, she so obviously wanted to ask him what was wrong, but didn’t want to cause a scene in front of Umbridge, so she stayed silent. 

He kept his face blank, even though his heart felt as if it was going to jump out at any moment. “Yes, what would you like?” 

Her mouth pressed in a thin line, eyes bright with concern. “I was wondering if you would be so kind as to take the night round tonight. I need to get some assignments back to my class tomorrow, and I am quite behind on marking as it is, and I doubt I have the time to do both.” 

Severus inwardly sighed. He knew the struggle of keeping up with homework all too well. He nodded one, and said a little stiffly. “Of course, I’d be happy to.” 

Minerva let out a small, thankful smile. “Severus, I can’t thank you enough.” 

He shrugged, and muttered something in response, before he fled the table. 

. . . 

Lucius ended up finding something _way_ better than wine. 

He laid, sprawled out on the thick carpeted floor, completely paralyzed as swirls of colour floated and twisted through the air. He had forgotten he had a few vials of Medusa’s Tears stored away from his teenage years, and once he had found them, it felt like Christmas all over again. 

Taking potions like these were definitely not the safest. Medusa’s Tears were taken in the form of eye drops, and rendered you completely immobial. They were extremely addictive, and taking too much and overdosing could potentially turn the user to stone. The day dreams and hallucinations caused by the drug are extremely pleasant and calming, some might even describe them as nostalgic. 

And Merlin, this was a good day dream. Most of his fantasies induced by Medusa’s Tears involved Severus. How could they not? This one, in particular, was spectacular. 

There was a swimming pond located on the Malfoy estate grounds, and oftentimes in the heat of July, Lucius found himself there. Draco was never a fan for swimming, he had an irrational fear that something would pull him under and drown him, so he never went further than his waist. Lucius, however, loved every moment spent in the water. 

So it would make sense that this fantasy involved the pond, Severus, no clothing whatsoever. 

Lucius waded into the pond, the water coming up to just below his navel. He heard a splash, and turned to see Severus disappearing under the surface, only to pop up again, shaking the droplets of water from his hair like a dog. 

Lucius grinned, and his eyes traveled downwards, across the marble skin, further below until his gaze saw something more pleasing. He stirred, a faint blush creeping up his neck, and forced himself to continue, eyes glancing over smooth pale long legs, then back up again. He barely suppressed a shiver when Severus caught him looking, and motioned him to come closer with his finger. 

He lost track of how much time he spent on the floor, drooling, body reeling with pleasant tingling sensations and a warm buzz rippling through every fiber of his being. Once they began to wear off, however, he remembered why he stopped taking them in the first place. 

First, he began to shiver uncontrollably. The heat from his body left him, and his fingers turned icy cold. His mood completely dropped from giddy happiness, to desolation in a matter of minutes. His skin gradually began to feel like it was being poked with pins as the feeling in his limbs came back. Once he was able to, he curled his fingers into a fist, trying to warm them up. After this point, he normally would have taken more, however, this was out of the question, seeing as he had used the last vial he had. 

Feeling a swell of nausea overtake him, he turned his head just in time to empty the contents of his stomach over the plush blue carpet. He gagged, the breakfast coming back up along with the coffee. He scrunched his nose against the reek of stomach bile, and shakily got on his hands and knees. 

His body was trying to expel the poison as fast as it could. He recalled the first time he tried Medusa’s Tears, he had reacted in a similar way as this. Over time, his body had somewhat gotten used to the foreing substance, and the drawbacks were not as intense, reflecting the symptoms of a hangover, than those he was feeling now. 

Lucius swore to himself. He was in for a long night. The first time he tried it, he had been with Severus. Both boys had stayed at Hogwarts over the Christmas break, and spent most of their time in the Room of Requirement. He remembered wanting someone he trusted close to him, in case things went bad. Severus had been scowling the entire time, lecturing Lucius about how it was a terrible idea, but the Malfoy didn’t pay his younger friend any mind. He did think twice about it after, when Severus was holding his hair back as he vomited, but he stubbornly kept trying it afterwards. 

The reason why he continued doing Medusa’s Tears chalked up to one simple reason. It was the only way he could ever get close enough to Severus to kiss him. Lucius knew it was stupid, and that he should be trying to move on from the feelings he had for Severus, as they quite literally were killing him, but every time he tried, it was like pulling his nails and teeth out with pliers. He found that whatever he did, he couldn't escape the raven haired man. 

Though there was one, teeny tiny, little bit of silver lining here. If he wrote to his friend, Severus would surely come over right away. He was the type of man that it was hard to get to know, even harder to pry open that hard shell of his and become friends with. But if you were able to, Severus would undoubtedly stand with you forever if you needed it. Lucius recalled that trait to be dominant with that of Gryffindor. The amount of Loyalty Severus had for those he loved was unmatched 

Making his decision, and knowing he should have someone close in case he started to get worse, Lucius heaved himself up to his desk, and shakily got out a stub of a pencil and a piece of parchment. He wrote quickly, scrawling out his message in large loopy letters, fighting the rising bile in his throat. He was shaking all over, breaking out in a cold sweat that dripped onto the page of his letter. Afterwards, he called out to his owl Edmon in a hoarse voice, attaching the letter to his leg, and sending him off in a flurry of feathers. 

Once he was sure the letter would make it, he collapsed back onto the floor, dragging his knees to his chest, trembling, and digging the nails into the palm of his hand to ground himself. If he ever made it out of this, he swore never to take a drug as hard as Medusa’s Tears again. 

. . . 

The wind was cold and harsh, Severus leaned over the rail, gripping the side so hard his knuckles turned white. He stared out into the night sky, counting all the constellations he could find. He loved it up here, equally terrified and amazed by the height of the tower. 

He was almost glad that Minerva had asked him to take her shift. Almost. 

Severus knew he should continue making his rounds, but what does one flimsy night matter? No one would know if he stayed up here, looking out into the dark sky. He shouldn’t be up here for too long, though. Last time, he entertained some rather distressing thoughts of flinging himself over the edge. Not that he would ever do it, he was too much of a coward to take his own life. 

He was just about to head back into the school, when a familiar screech of an owl caught his attention. He glanced up, and saw the Malfoy family owl darting across the sky, making his way towards him. 

Severus let out a low whistle, and Edmond swooped down, landing on the rail in front of him. He let out a tired hoot, and once Severus had the letter in hand, he flopped onto the ground, chest heaving exhausted. 

He wasted no time in ripping open the letter, and once his eyes scanned the first line, he let out a tirade of insults and swears that would make a trucker blush. If Lucius Malfoy wasn’t dead when he got to him, Severus decided, he was going to kill the stupid man himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I"M SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG
> 
> I've been terribly busy the last few weeks, I hadn't had time to do practically anything but schoolwork and work at my job. This chapter isn't the best, but I decided I wouldn't wate anymore time editing and going over it like I normally do, because I just wanted to get it out here and done.
> 
> And guys. . .be VERY excited for the next chapter! <3

**Author's Note:**

> I promised I would write this, did I not? May or may not add to the chapter count as I write, we'll see. As always, leave comments and feel free to give suggestions and express your feelings, this is going to be a depressing ride my dudes. But I promise, my boys will get a happy ending :)


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